parenting

A complicated holiday.

It’s been a long day and I feel a lot of feelings. Mother’s Day has always been a mixed bag of emotions for me.

But I’ve always wished I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.

Wasn’t until a little bit ago, that I realized that I actually always knew. 

I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was little. There was never a time where I saw a future without children. I didn’t grow up knowing I wanted to be an accountant or doctor. I grew up knowing that no matter what I did for a trade, I’d be a mom doing it.

When the time came, we had four crushing losses and were told we were likely never to have children of our own for no explainable or testable reason. The depth of my sadness was compounded.

A kind fertility counselor I met with asked me a question that changed my whole mind about what it was to be a mother.

I decided that if we wanted to be parents, it didn’t matter if it was biological, adoptive or another method.

We started the preparations for a home inspection and began trying to choose adoption agencies and looking for loans. And that’s when we found out we were expecting Miss Bean.

Nothing prepared me for a 24 week delivery. But to spare already over shared stories, when I heard her cry, tiny and mewling, everything in my life changed. Again when Mister Sprout was born under equally stressful circumstances, I felt so incredibly grateful. I felt so wonderfully fortunate that I have tried to savor every moment.

It’s difficult, and challenges me and makes me feel exhausted and frantic.

I worry everyday if the world is going to be a place where I can feel safe to send my kids into. If I will teach them to be kind, but resilient.

But I never regret a moment that I choose to spend with my kids.

Because they’re what I love. And being their mom is what I have spent my whole life wanting to be.

Thank you for reading this bit of rambling insight. I wanted to share my gratitude and my understanding for how complicated my feelings are surrounding Mother’s Day. It is still sometimes an odd cocktail of worry, sad nostalgia and incredible gratitude.

A special thank you goes out to my husband, for helping me through two of the saddest years of my life to get me to nights of snuggling our kids while eating strawberries and watching Moana. This is everything I dreamed of. Thank you.

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